Tips for Anyone Going Through a Divorce—From People Who’ve Been There

Eight years ago I sat in my hairstylist’s chair and when she asked me how things were going I blurted out that I was getting a divorce. I didn’t plan to share - actually I had only told a handful of trusted people at that point and I really didn’t want to share it out into the world yet.

My hairstylist had been there. She was divorced and shared so many helpful tips. I was blown away by how badly I needed the connection to someone who knew exactly what it was like, who wouldn’t be a critic, who was also a parent like I was and knew the challenges that held too. One of the first things she asked me was whether I had other friends who had been divorced. I did not. “Well, you are about to. I guarantee it.”

That sounded a little ominous at first, but I realized what she meant was that there are so many others out there who are going through relationship struggles and it is usually behind closed doors. The minute I leaned into my vulnerability and shared what was happening with trusted friends, well, I definitely found others were going through it too.  

The emotional intensity at any stage of going through a divorce can be overwhelming. It could be a relatively amicable divorce. It could be more of a shock and the result of a really painful situation. You could be just starting the separation process or you could be in a lengthy legal battle. Whatever the circumstance, here are a few tips, compiled from people who have been there. 

Face the shame, then kick it to the curb.

Divorce is held in our society as such an ugly word. And the shame that comes with it is heavy. The shame of having something “fail.” It’s seen as shameful if you are the one who initiated the divorce. You can feel extra shame as a parent; “am I failing my kids?” Not enough people get excited or proud of you when you share that you are divorced. But they should. How brave of you to enter into that tough space and find your voice, stay true to yourself, and work for a better life. There is so much beauty in saying “this is not for me. This does not make me my best.” Just because a marriage is not continuing does not mean that it failed. It may have been a very successful relationship and now the best move for everyone is to let it go. That is a brave realization, not a shameful one. 

The shame can feel heavy inside. Facing that shame and realizing that it likely comes from external pressures, not your internal guiding light, can help let it go. The event of a divorce does not define you. You are doing great. You are great. 

Keep your goal in mind

What is your big goal? Going through a divorce can be messy in many ways, emotionally and logistically. If it is a more contentious divorce there can be a lot of legal bullsh*t. The court system can be complicated and set up for conflict. Even if it is not contentious, the process of divorce has a way of taking you through ups and downs for a while. Keep that big picture, that goal, in mind. Is it to build a better life for your kids? Is it to be in a relationship where you are cherished and respected? Is it to find a lost self? The day to day will likely be filled with questions, overwhelm, and big emotions. Repeat that goal to yourself every day for as long as you need. Write it down. Put it on a sticky note on your mirror. Stay true to that goal and you will find your way through the bullsh*t and to the other side.  

Take it one day at a time

Whew. The overwhelm and questions. How would I do it? Will my kids hate me and take my partner’s side? How will I handle it financially? Will I grow old alone? Slow it down. All of those questions will get answers in time. When I went through my divorce I was going to be a single parent without a job or stable source of income. My brother bought me a mattress for an empty apartment, my friend gave me a front desk job at the local exercise studio. It was really hard, but I figured it out. You don’t have to have all the answers to the questions at the start. It will likely be a winding journey and life will open up new paths. Those who love you will show up and help. You may even find help from a stranger. It sounds cheesy, but there is so much emotional support in knowing that you can focus on one day at a time and it will be okay. 

Have a go-to outlet (or two) 

In the short-term, physical exercise was a huge help with anxiety and to quiet your mind a bit. Divorce is like a death and I do think the grief process is similar and sometimes just takes time to get over it and have a healthy perspective on it. So, find that outlet in the meantime and let the waves of grief do their thing. 

Find your people

Divorce has a way of bringing out the emotions in everyone around the situation. Those emotions and opinions - from family, friends, kids - can weigh on you. You might feel like you have to defend yourself or close off from certain people. It is okay to protect your own peace. You know your story and it is really helpful to find the people who will support you, not judge you or make you feel uncomfortable. With all of the emotions, sometimes it is great to just have dinner with friends and not think about the hard stuff for a few hours. If you need to vent, find the people who really listen and just let you vent. The best listening ear might be a therapist and that is incredibly helpful too! Know that, whoever your village is, it is a good thing to lean on them during these times.  

Go through it however you want to.

Divorce doesn’t have to be filled with anger and conflict. You also don’t have to get along with your ex. No one really gives you a manual or options for a divorce. Find resources that connect with how you want to handle the divorce. There are great books and podcasts that share different approaches to divorce. Think through (or- even better - write down) your priorities and intentions for going through this process. Then, find resources that align to those priorities. You might be able to find tips for conversations with your ex or parenting plan advice that works better for the whole family. Armed with an approach that feels good to you can help you advocate for yourself. 

Don’t forget that divorce is a life change. It is natural for rollercoaster emotions and mountains of questions to come with it. Trust yourself and lean on your community. Those connections are so helpful to get through these moments and you will likely find the emotional and mental load start to ease. And remember, you got this.